Wednesday, February 27, 2008

I can't even imagine...

So I just got word tonight that a second friend in about as many weeks lost their baby. She was about 20-something weeks preggers and they had a suspicious ultra sound. Long story short (because as soon as I found out the baby had died, I started crying and didn't really hear the rest) sounds like the Drs said that the best way to save the baby was to induce my friend. I don't know all the details...all I know is my friend went through labor and her baby girl was not alive when she was born. It tears at my insides to think about it now. I can't even imagine. Labor sucks...there's no way around it. Even if you have the presence of mind to offer it up and unite your sufferings with's still suffering. But it's all worth it when you hold your baby. Every push, every tear, every scream, every pain is worth it. But to go through all of that and not have a living, breathing new life in your arms. It just makes me sick. And I don't know what to say. And I don't want to take my baby over there because of how it may make her feel. But I don't want to NOT take her over there because that would be TOTALLY obvious.

We may never get to have another baby. Who knows? Only God. But I do know that my M is more than a miracle. A million (or more) miracles have to happen in JUST the right time, place and order for a baby to be born. And to have had one on our first shot who was (is) perfect...and nurses beautifully...and really does sleep well...and is smart and healthy and happy. It almost doesn't seem fair to my friends who are hurting...who have rallied their family around to morn the death of their daughter who hardly even got to start her life. I hope they know she's a prayer warrior for them now. I wonder if they named her. Is that to horrible of a question to ask? What if they didn't? What if they don't want to? I can't even imagine.

It makes me want to go and wake up my baby just to hug and kiss her and tell her that I love her! It makes the things she does that make me mad seem less aggravating. It makes me love God and want to be angry with Him all at the same time. I was rooting for them. I was excited for our babies (both being girls...we find out now) to be playmates as they got older. I was looking forward to watching the baby when Mom went back to work. I had plans for this little girl....and she wasn't even my daughter. I can't even imagine.

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