Oh What a Feeling!

Wow, I just don't know what to think. I'm having another baby! I think....peed on the stick...twice....got double lines....twice....but one was really faint. The directions said that's ok, but still. Got blood drawn yesterday. Waiting for the results.

I'm having such mixed feelings. I would never say it's easy with M, but honestly, it was a pretty uneventful pregnancy and she's been such a healthy, happy baby. And she and I get along. What if the next one isn't like that? What if I'm sick all the time and Ben won't help me? What if Mom's dissapointed in me and gives me her passive-aggressive grief?

B's so excited he can hardly stand it. Perhaps it's just because I'm sick. Oh, I'm sick by the by. It just figures, right?

Of course I want this baby. Babies are amazing and I want a litter (though not all at the same time!). But I like how things are right now. I dont' want to deny my sweet baby (the one on the outside) my full love and attention. I know, I know, your heart doesn't divide, it multiplies...yadda yadda yadda. Still doesn't keep me from being fickle and worried about it.

And what if I'm not even preggers? What if the tests were wrong? That would really suck to tell people.

I had no idea....

So I got asked to sub teach tomorrow. Granted it was for kindergarten, but that really wasn't the issue. We really need the money, but who was going to watch the baby? The principal's wife (a woman I know) offered to watch the baby without pay...which was really generous seeing as how she has two at home already and several of her own that she has to get ready for school in the morning.

Yeah, when it came down to making the decision, I burst into tears. I'm just not ready to be away from her for that long. Even when I went back to teaching when she was 12 weeks old, I wasn't away from her for as long as I'd be tomorrow. What if that ended my nursing relationship? It was REALLY hard on her (and the rest of us) when I went back to teaching. It just brought back horrible memories and I just couldn't go back there. $70...shoot, all the money in the world....isn't worth going back to school....

Sound irrational? Especially with people who are willing to leave their babies for weeks? No. I know that motherhood is a vocation. It's who I am. It's not me selling out or giving in. There is some self-denial...but honestly, this country could use some more self-denial. But there's nothing in my life more important than making sure that my baby has the most sound foundation and formation possible....and leaving her for $70 isn't part of that equation.

Correction

One different decision and I wouldn't have M...or the puppies....or B

About Peed My Pants

Ok, I have to figure out how to use my (if I have to hear Randy Jackson say "dawg" or "dope" one more time, I may vomit...no one really talks like that!!!) scanner. I was looking for a bag of floral tape (never found it grrrrr!) and sat and looked through several envelopes of ooooollllllllld pictures. Oh man....how rediculous we all looked with our big bangs and even bigger eyeglasses. I have to get some of these things out there for the world to see! We were such babies...but thought we were sooo grown up.

Not my favorite time of life though...lots of meanness and insecurity. What would I have done differently? Dangerous road to walk down....one different decision and I would have M...or my puppies...or B.

I can't even imagine...

So I just got word tonight that a second friend in about as many weeks lost their baby. She was about 20-something weeks preggers and they had a suspicious ultra sound. Long story short (because as soon as I found out the baby had died, I started crying and didn't really hear the rest)...it sounds like the Drs said that the best way to save the baby was to induce my friend. I don't know all the details...all I know is my friend went through labor and her baby girl was not alive when she was born. It tears at my insides to think about it now. I can't even imagine. Labor sucks...there's no way around it. Even if you have the presence of mind to offer it up and unite your sufferings with Christ....it's still suffering. But it's all worth it when you hold your baby. Every push, every tear, every scream, every pain is worth it. But to go through all of that and not have a living, breathing new life in your arms. It just makes me sick. And I don't know what to say. And I don't want to take my baby over there because of how it may make her feel. But I don't want to NOT take her over there because that would be TOTALLY obvious.

We may never get to have another baby. Who knows? Only God. But I do know that my M is more than a miracle. A million (or more) miracles have to happen in JUST the right time, place and order for a baby to be born. And to have had one on our first shot who was (is) perfect...and nurses beautifully...and really does sleep well...and is smart and healthy and happy. It almost doesn't seem fair to my friends who are hurting...who have rallied their family around to morn the death of their daughter who hardly even got to start her life. I hope they know she's a prayer warrior for them now. I wonder if they named her. Is that to horrible of a question to ask? What if they didn't? What if they don't want to? I can't even imagine.

It makes me want to go and wake up my baby just to hug and kiss her and tell her that I love her! It makes the things she does that make me mad seem less aggravating. It makes me love God and want to be angry with Him all at the same time. I was rooting for them. I was excited for our babies (both being girls...we find out now) to be playmates as they got older. I was looking forward to watching the baby when Mom went back to work. I had plans for this little girl....and she wasn't even my daughter. I can't even imagine.

Where to Begin

Wow. So I know I haven't written in a while. Today is February 26th....a month since M's first birthday party...in a few more days she'll be 13 months old! Things are crazy around here! She's been walking for real for about a month and a half now...out of control! The squeaky shoes really help (Thank You Fella Bella Shoppe!). It's better than a cow bell, right? Especially since her big thing these days is closing doors. So I'll hear her go down the hall and then a moment later, I'll hear our bedroom door close. It's a fun game...but the puppies hate it because they get kicked out of the room so I can close the door. Right now their bed is in the hallway.

So I heard about something a while back that I wasn't sure would be good for us, but I tried it and it was fantastic! You'll see, in a few of the pictures I sent (if you didn't see the Shutterfly pictures and would like to, just let me know and I'll shoot them right out to you!), M eating out of an ice cube tray. Total genius idea (that I didn't think of)! I put all kinds of finger foods in it (cheerios, broccoli, black beans, shredded cheese, chicken, peas, etc) and she munches while she plays. I was finding that she was getting bored in her high chair before she was finished eating! And honestly, with only a few slip-ups, the dogs have really left it alone (as long as I was in the room...if I left the room, all bets are off....I mean, they ARE puppies!)

My cutiest baby in the world is also into primping these days...she'll use a comb, brush, fingers, whatever, to brush her hair...and brush the puppies' hair. Speaking of puppies, watching M "love" the puppies is the cutest thing ever! She pats them and then lays her head down on their belly or back or head or whatever!

Things around here are pretty normal these days...doing the Southern Living thing...B still working and applying for graduation....THAT'S RIGHT! I SAID APPLYING FOR GRADUATION! I'm so excited and I can hardly stand it!!!! As of right now, it looks like he's going to graduate FOR REAL in August and "walk" this May! I can't believe it!! Did I mention that we're excited. He's worked so hard for so long and not only is the end in sight...it's actually on the calendar!

What's My Root Sin

Being a public venu, I'm not sure how much detail I want to go into here, but oh well. I'm finding that this meduim gives me a greater desire to express myself...so here goes!

There are so many to choose from. But what we're supposed to do is look at our sins and see where the patterns lie. I would say that lately, my biggest infraction is missing Mass. That's clearly a laziness/sloth issue. But there's also quite a bit of pride in my feelings toward a certain situation....that I have it figured out and know how other people are going to respond. Not wanting to say, "Thank you for pointing that out." is also driven by my pride. Can you have two root sins?

I would say that the state of my house is also a notch on the pole of sloth!

A girl usually marries a man like her father

So my husband is in our daughter's room with our daughter. He's reading her stories. It reminds me of when my dad used to read to me when I was a little girl. Sometimes they were picture books...when I was a little older, it was a chapter a night of a longer book.....but always, there were made up stories.

There were two types of stories he told. One was about a little girl named Sarah (of course) who had a magical bunny friend. The bunny was tiny and would sit on Sarah's shoulder under her hair all day while Sarah was at school and then after school, the bunny would shrink Sarah down to miniature size as well and they would run off and have adventures in the forest.

The second set of stories had five characters: Haras, Luap, Eus, Elyk, and Ohcnop. (My family: Sarah, Paul, Sue, Kyle, and Poncho (the dog)). I don't remember any of the things that happened to these people....but I do remember going through the "cast" with my dad. He would always forget someone and it was up to me to remember who he forgot.

I guess our family would be Haras (call it a spin-off), Nimajneb, Airam, Yzzid, and Selim. What will their adventures be? Hopefully there'll be another member of the cast soon. Only God knows on that one.

So yeah, we're trying to have another baby. Last month, we decided to be more than just open...to actually try...well, we were on the cruise for the most fertile part of the month...and sex on the cruise was great for the first few days...but then we were either out late and then tired, or one of us was back in the room with Maria and the other one was out late. So I think we just missed ovulation....we weren't so good at sticking to the "every other day" method of Phase II. So we're trying again this month. We're on track so far....I think I'm at the peak of Phase II right now and last night...... It helps to have a sexy husband (sorry Jo....oh wait, I'm not apologizing in this medium....I take it back!).

I proposed tonight that if we're not preggers this month that we go to a whenever-we-want to method because that worked for Maria and having sex on a schedule is a lot of pressure and sometimes not fun! for example, if we have sex on day 8 and then are frisky on day 9, we stifle...but then on day 10, we're exhausted, or Maria won't go to bed, or Ben's working late, or something...so we miss that day all together! Who knows. Creating a child was crazy enough the first time. I can't believe we're going to do it again.

How cool is that! Being co-creators with GOD!! So cool. To take part in orchestrating a miracle! And to have it be so fun! The awesomeness of it all isn't lost on me. Nor is the amazingness of having a living creature inside of me...and then outside of me. I just can't even wrap my head around it all sometimes.

So I miss Healing Touch. I think rather than writing about it, I'm going to go do some on my husband!

Kisses!

So I ran across a former student of mine on Facebook. We have a mutual "friend". Which I thought was kind of odd since this mutual friend is my age (ahem...30....) and I wondered why my 30-year-old friend was friends with this (ooo...Jeremy may even be 31...that's way worse than 30, right?) 17-year-old former student of mine....turns out they're cousins...who knew!

So I've been messaging back and forth with this young man...will call him Horace....why Horace? Because everyone always uses "Bob" and I wanted to be original. Anyway, I've been messaging with Horace and thinking...I really liked this kid...he was really neat and I'm glad to be in touch with him and am interested in what's going on in his life....but what's a 30-year-old doing chatting with a 17-year-old?!?! Never fear, we've been talking about volleyball and college applications. It sucks that someone can't take an interest in a former student without it seeming strange!

It's so frustrating

When I went to the other room to get my lap top, I knew what I was going to search for when I sat down....and then I sat down....and had no idea!

“If we accept that a mother can kill even her own child, how can we tell other people to not kill each other? Any country that accepts abortion is not teaching its people to love, but to use any violence to get what they want...For the pregnant women who don't want their children, give them to me.” Mother Teresa of Calcutta

What an amazing woman. I'm feeling political today. Who knows why. Wicked last night? La Leche League this morning? I am woman hear me roar. And I am WOMAN....not trying to be a man. Feminism means being feminine....and doing it well...doing it completely. Being completely woman....something a man could never be. I don't want to be a man. Men are hairy and sometimes smelly (ok, there are hairy and smelly women too, but still)...and they can't breastfeed!! How cool is that! You know, it truly is a super power. Why would you want to give that up! Women who are trying to be men will fail. They can't do it. And they're disappointing God. He created them to be women. And disappointing God, not good...and I always thought disappointing my dad was a no-no.

That God guy really knew what he was doing. I know, total understatement, but bear with me. Breastfeeding is the key to everything! Grows a baby, delays fertility (if done completely), creates an unbreakable bond between mothers and babies...which creates more stable children...who become more stable adults, helps prevent breast cancer, helps you lose the weight you gained while you were preggers! And helps you lose weight after that if you can avoid eating everything in sight because you're so daggone hungry! Which no one told me by the by...everyone talks about being hungry while you're preggers...but that's NOTHING compared to the insane hunger of a nursing mom!!! Dude, if I could refrain from eating everything in sight, I'd be a waif! Because, I do eat everything in sight some days and I'm still losing weight....not much to speak of, but at least I'm not gaining. Thank you, Maria! I guess Maria will have to nurse forever or we'll have to keep having babies! Thank you, God, for breastfeeding! And for breasts in general! Mine are annoying a lot of the time...big and heavy and they get in the way...but my two favorite people in the world...Ben and Maria....love them a whole lot!

Oh, and I haven't even decided if I'm going to share this with anyone, but if I do, I'm stealing Mariah's idea....this is for me. It's not for you....it's not censored...may not be spell-checked. You may like it, you may not...but I don't really care. I'm not terribly politically correct to begin with...because I think it's dumb...people, one, are overly sensitive about issues that don't concern them (like the woman who wasn't even a Native American (I know that's a PC term and I just ranted about not being PC, but oh well....I guess she may have been a NA in the same way that I'm an NA...see how much trouble being PC actually causes)...anyway...wasn't even American Indian (feathers, not dots) and she was responsible for leading the campaign to change Miami University from the way cool Redskins to the lame-ass Redhawks...and therefore should be blamed for the debacle that is "Swoop" or "Swoosh" or whatever that stupid thing's name is....Tom-O-Hawk was good enough for me...but I had my picture taken with him once and MAN! He stinks! And, just for kicks, ask my grandfather one day what HE thought of the name change....I pity the poor kid from the Alumni Association who called the Bachman home asking for money the year the name changed....that kid's ears may still be bleeding.

Ok, where was I? Oh, NOT apologizing for what I've written. Like I said, I'm feeling a little sassy. I guess putting it down here is better than bitching at the next person who calls me, right?